Do any other bloggers/anyone have those days where all your emotions feel like they need to be written down? This is one of those days for me.
On Sunday I woke up feeling really anxious, I went off to work and got on with it, it wasn’t too bad, I kept busy and the feelings of anxiety seemed to die down.
But now, it’s Tuesday. I woke up about 4am with a really tight chest, I felt sick and dizzy and I just knew that today was going to be horrendous.
I was right. Luckily, I fell back to sleep quite quickly at 4am but then woke up around 7 feeling the same way, except now, I couldn’t just go back to sleep because I had a toddler to look after. I had big plans for this day as I was off work I thought Oscar and I could go out and make the most of the day, maybe even go to soft play. I knew already my mind wasn’t going to let me do that which only made me feel worse because now not only would I feel awful all day it also meant my poor toddler would miss out on his fun day and have to stay in the house all day because of me!!
I. Hate. That.
Let me explain a little bit about how I was feeling today. So, in the last few days I’ve been stressed, Oscar is starting nursery which is great but terrifying, I’ve had a lot of pain, I’ve had some changes happen at work, I’m going back to university, I’m worried about certain family things and for whatever reason my brain chose today to build all that up and just sort of… brain shit it all out. I have a constant dull headache, I feel sick, I have had shaking hands all day, sweaty palms, my resting heart rate is 127 BPM, I feel dizzy, my chest is tight and about once every hour I get that feeling like I’m going to pass out where I see black spots and I can hear my heart really pumping in my ears and every now and then I get pins and needles down my left arm to the tip of my fingers.
If you’ve ever suffered from a panic attack or anxiety this will sound very familiar to you.
If you haven’t suffered from anxiety this will probably sound ridiculous.
I spoke to a friend this morning who does understand and she gave me some great advice that
It’s okay to have a you day
I was explaining to her that I feel like I have to constantly be on form- be constantly proving that I can do everything and that’s part of my problem because I don’t actually address how I’m feeling. I can quite easily say ‘I’m stressed’ or ‘I’m sad’ but I don’t take ME time to work out why I’m sad or stressed and do something to change it.
That’s definitely some advice I need to take myself and so does anyone else that has anxiety- take this quote from The Fault In Our Stars
I believe it’s the same for any emotion, not just physical pain. You have to feel the sadness, the anger, the happiness. Then and only then can you truly conquer it- I’ve learnt this because I’ve been brushing my own feelings under the carpet for too long and putting a mask of happy and thriving on I’ve forgotten that I’m the type of person that needs to be alone sometimes, I’m the type of person that needs to cry sometimes and I’m the type of person that gets anxious walking in to a shop alone.
All of this is OK.
I actually feel a smidge better after that word vomit.